Have You Tried Wingardium Leviosa?
by DarkRiverTempest
Summary: It's Hermione Granger's first day at her new Ministry job. She soon finds that her co-workers are crazy, her ex frequently asks for the department's help, and she's paired with Draco Malfoy for an important mission. What could go wrong?


Written for Tygermine at the 2019 Dramione_duet on LiveJournal.

I've always been a fan of shows like The Office, IT Crowd and Parks and Recreation, so this story is heavily influenced by all of them, but specifically, the episode from Park & Rec called The Fight. Consequently, there are some lines/dialogue that are taken from that episode. They are not mine and belong to NBC/Greg Daniels and Michael Schur.

Normally, I would rate this T, but the mission the group goes on deals with love potions (which are troublesome)/spell damage. Things are only alluded to and Draco is very much about consent. So I'm rating it M, just to be safe. Tygermine, I hope you like it!

HUGE thanks to my beta, DelphiPSmith, who laughed several times in the process of making this better than what it was originally.

**Disclaimer:** _The characters and canon situations in the following story belong solely to JK Rowling, Scholastic and WB. I am not making any money from the publishing or writing of this story._

* * *

The sound of the heavy seal slamming down on the podium startled Hermione Granger out of her non-caffeinated stupor. "Pardon?" she managed.

Gethsemane Prickle arched an elegant brow. "Pay attention, Miss Granger. I thought you were known for your high academic standards, not letting your focus wander."

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "I just sat my last exam at Cambridge, I'm sleep deprived, and I haven't had my morning cuppa, so please-"

"Not my concern." A large scroll was shoved in Hermione's face. "Report to Level Three - Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes." Prickle gave her a smirk. "Did you hear me that time?"

"Loud and clear," Hermione said with a sickly sweet smile. "As a harpy," she added under breath before turning and heading towards the lifts.

As the doors slid shut she unfurled the scroll. It informed her that she was being assigned as a member of a team of four, with two others as consultants. There were three divisions within the department and she wondered which one her team was assigned to. The lift doors opened to a woman wailing on the floor in the lobby. Kneeling next to her and patting her on the shoulder was Draco Malfoy.

"He doesn't love me!" the woman wailed.

Draco grimaced and continued patting her. "To be honest, Yvonne, he doesn't even know who you are."

Hermione didn't know what disconcerted her more: that Draco was trying (inadequately) to console someone, or that the woman was crying over a man she had (supposedly) never met. Clutching the scroll and hitching her bag further over her shoulder, Hermione stepped out and went up to Draco.

The woman spared her a glance, then did a double take, her face darkening. "You!" she seethed. She poked Hermione in the leg. "You're the reason Marcus doesn't love me!"

Hermione was utterly confused. "What? Who's Marcus?"

"Yvonne," Draco said patiently. "Miss Granger is not a rival for Marcus' affections. He doesn't know who she is either." He took Yvonne's hand in his and tugged her to her feet. "Now, we've told you it'll take a couple of sessions before the damage is reversed. You need to go home. A member of our team will visit you later today for your therapy."

A blank look stole over the woman's features. "Yes, all right." She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Will Marcus be there when I get home?"

Draco sighed heavily. "Probably not." This earned him a fresh round of tears. "I'll ask Mr Clancy if he can take you home, okay?"

Yvonne nodded, obviously completely miserable. Draco looked at Hermione. "Could you ask Clancy to come out here? Third door on the left, you can't miss him."

Hermione hesitated, then followed Draco's instructions. In the office behind the third door on the left, she found a very tall wizard with brown curly hair, ducking his head as he passed through a doorway into another room. "Clancy?"

The giant man stopped and gave her a genial smile. "Aye, miss. Do you need some help?"

She returned the smile and pointed down the corridor. "Malfoy, erm, Draco asked that you meet him near the lifts. I think he wants you to accompany someone to their home."

Clancy's lips thinned. "Yvonne?" At Hermione's nod, he shook his head. "Terrible thing, that. Potent spell damage. Short term memory loss when she drank a potion served at a party hosted by Marcus Belby. Have a feeling a bit of Amortentia was mixed into it - now the poor lass fancies she's been in love with the bloke for years. We're investigating whether it was done purposely or accidentally. Meanwhile, the lass suffers."

Hermione grimaced. "How horrible!"

"Aye. But, that's what we're here for." Clancy ducked his head as he went through the doorway and out into the hall.

"It's about time you showed up!"

Hermione turned around and found Charlie Weasley grinning at her. To say that she was shocked was an understatement. "What're you doing here?"

He laughed. "Hello to you too, Granger. How are you? Me, I'm fine, just thought growing old would take longer. I keep wondering when this 'old enough to know better' is supposed to kick in? See, I do my own stunts, but never intentionally. And the best thing about the good old days was that I wasn't good and I wasn't old. But-"

"Do you have an off switch?" she interrupted. His rambling was giving her a headache and it was too early in the morning for that.

"It's broken," he said with a wink. "I could let you fix it."

Hermione rolled her eyes and pushed past him into the office. "Afraid I don't have the qualifications to repair you."

"Hermione!"

Luna and Neville pounced and hugged the living daylights out of her. While it was good to see them (she hadn't been very good about keeping up with her friends while in uni), she was losing the ability to breathe from how tight they were holding on.

"If Miss Granger dies due to your effusive gaiety, her funeral expenses shall be docked from your pay packet."

Oh, Merlin's wrinkly bum. Snape. Crotchety, snarky, complex Snape.

Luna and Neville immediately let go of her as if she was on fire and backed away, giving her a full view of her former professor. He was still tall and spindly and buttoned up to within an inch of his life. His high collar and long hair hid the scars that she knew to be on his neck. Harry had done everything he could that fateful day to save Snape, and she still didn't know if Snape was appreciative or angry.

"Professor," she responded without thinking.

Neville snickered. Snape narrowed his eyes. "I haven't had the misfortune to teach you or your...accomplices in years. Don't remind me. Snape will do."

She nodded. An awkward silence fell as they stared at her. She was about to say something when Draco returned and headed for his desk.

"Is there any way you can increase the potency of that potion for Yvonne, Snape?"

"Yes," he drawled. "If you want her to lose what little remains of her mind. The mind is-"

"Yes, yes, the mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing," Draco droned, clearly quoting his former head of house.

Snape snagged a hefty publication off the desk, rolled it up and smacked Draco upside the head with it. "Arrogant brat! If you think you can do better, go ahead. Then I can finally get some peace and quiet for once in this godforsaken hellhole!" Snape shook his finger at his godson. "But if she ends up admitted to the Janus Thickey ward at Saint Mungo's, you have no one but yourself to blame." He gave a snort, then stormed off into the other room.

Charlie Weasley gave a slow, loud clap. "Bravo, Malfoy." When everyone glared at him, he shrugged. "Everyone was thinking it. I just said it."

"Shut up," Draco muttered. He glanced at Hermione. "Welcome to the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, Granger. Good luck, because you're going to need it."

* * *

"This is where you'll sit," Draco said, pointing at a desk adjacent to his. It was covered in papers, odd and ends and on top was what looked like…

"Is that… a mobile phone?" she asked, astonished.

Draco looked confused. "Yes? Weasley gave us each one."

She picked up the silver flip phone and pressed the ON button. "Hello Moto." She glanced between the phone and Draco. "It works!"

"Yes?" Draco studied her as if she had three heads. "Why wouldn't it?"

"Well, because of all the interference from our magic. How did you bypass that?"

Draco shrugged and pointed to Charlie, who was busy spelling something in the air. "Said he got them from Potter."

"Harry?" She hadn't realised just how out of touch she was. She hadn't seen Harry, or Ron, in months. "Do you use them often?"

"When on assignment. Since we sometimes go outside the wizarding world, makes us look more Muggle."

"I can see that." She turned the phone over and recognized the RAZR logo. "Is this yours?"

Draco shook his head. "Nope, that'd be yours. Everyone gets one." He gestured at the phone. "I can put my number in there, if you want."

"Isn't everyone's in here already?" She began scrolling through the names listed, but Draco's wasn't in there.

A tinge of pink coloured his cheeks. "Didn't know if you'd have an issue, since it's me."

She frowned. "Now that we're not actively trying to kill each other, I think I'm adult enough to let bygones be bygones." She handed him her phone. "So add it. I'll rename it 'Ferret' later."

Draco snorted. "As long as you know that you'll always be 'Swot' on my list."

"Fair enough."

A thunderous bellow sounded from the tiny kitchen in the office. It sounded like someone had been murdered. Hermione followed the others as they rushed in, only to see Snape scowling at the mangled pieces of a tea kettle. "Who broke it?"

Draco, Luna, Neville, Charlie and Hermione looked at each other. Snape raised his eyebrows and waited.

"I might've left it to boil too long," Neville timidly offered, swallowing.

Snape didn't even spare him a look. "I know it wasn't you. While somewhat careless, the Bowtruckle you carry about would have stopped the overheating the moment your back was turned."

Charlie smiled affably. "I think Draco did it."

"What?" Draco spluttered, outraged. "I didn't break it!"

"Then how did you know it was broken?" Luna asked.

Draco stared at all of them, nonplussed. "Because it's _obviously_ broken! It's in pieces! The handle, lid and spout are clean off!"

"I've often seen Luna by the tea trolley," Neville pointed out.

Luna gasped. "You know I use the steam to clear my pores! It's better than the vanishing cream that erases all my facial features."

Draco zeroed in on Hermione. "Granger is awfully silent."

"I literally just walked into the room!" she objected. "This is the first time I've even been in the department!"

The accusations soon erupted into full-blown chaos, with everyone accusing each other, their voices increasing. An ear-splitting whistle silenced everyone.

"I broke it," Snape drawled.

"Then why did you ask who did it?" Hermione asked. Were these the people she had to work with? Were they all crazy? "Why didn't you just repair it? Isn't this the department where you repair spell damage?"

Snape eyed her cynically. "I did this, Miss Granger, to illustrate how quickly this lot will turn on one another. Instead of mutual cooperation, I advise you to expect something along the lines of the Triwizard Tournament: surviving until your next task."

"That's a glowing review," Charlie snipped. "We provide a service to our community."

"Shouldn't you say 'community service'?"

Charlie glared. "Piss off, Snape. It's not like I do nothing here."

"Lollygagging doesn't count."

"I hate when people accuse me of lollygagging, when it's quite clear that I've been dilly-dallying."

Hermione couldn't help herself. She snorted, then laughed outright as she saw Draco obviously trying to hide his own smile.

"Well, aren't we all just two scoops of grumpy with a side of bitchy this morning," Luna observed. "It's blatantly obvious you haven't had any of my cocoa collagen bars."

Hermione glanced around in puzzlement at the unanimous groan. "What's that?"

Snape smirked and gestured to the cabinet above the sink. "Do try one."

She glanced at Draco. "Should I?"

He gave her a wan smile. "You should try everything at least once." He swallowed. "Just… well, you'll find out."

Luna retrieved one of the dubious bars from the shelf, apparently oblivious to the opinions of those around her. "They'll clear your sinuses, so you can think better."

Hermione's eyes widened as she looked at the _thing_ that was presented to her. It was roughly five inches in length and looked like a dog had taken a shat, with white blobs mixed in. She was expected to eat this? She sent Draco a panicky look.

He half-smirked and mouthed, _Swallow quickly_.

Hesitantly, Hermione nibbled off the end and immediately regretted it. She tried to chew, but the flavour was so unpleasant that she did as Draco had suggested and swallowed quickly, before her gag reflex could kick in. Again, a mistake. It burned all the way down, leaving a residue on the roof of her mouth.

"What…" She coughed. 'What's in this?"

"Grass-fed collagen, Turkish almonds and pumpkin seeds, unsweetened chocolate, free-range chicken and sriracha," Luna said proudly.

"Excuse me," Hermione said and bolted for the loo. She barely made it before what she'd eaten made a return appearance.

A knock on the door sounded. "Granger? You okay?"

"No," she moaned, then threw up again. "Why?" she pleaded, unaware of what she was asking.

Draco cracked the door open. "Rite of passage. Everyone has to eat one in order to understand why we don't eat anything Lovegood makes." He pushed the door open further, came in and dampened a hand towel, then placed it on the back of her neck. "Better?"

She leaned her head against the toilet lid. "A little." She pulled the lever and flushed the contents away. "You are all obviously at varying levels of insanity." She rubbed her stomach. "Oh, god, it's still there."

"Hold on." Draco left, but returned quickly to hand her a phial. "Drink up."

"What is it?"

"Anti-emetic, with a bit of bismuth. It'll take the edge off."

She downed it quickly, sighing at the relief that spread throughout her digestive system. She was about to thank Draco when they heard yelling, several thuds, and then what sounded like Neville yelping.

"I bloody well can't wait to get back to Romania!" Hermione heard Charlie shout, followed by a slamming door.

When silence reigned, Hermione crawled up to sit on the toilet. "What's Charlie's story? Why is here and not at the dragon reserve?"

Draco leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. "Not sure. I think he got into a spot of trouble over there and he's on probation or something. I didn't ask, he didn't tell."

She snorted. "I find that hard to believe. The man's mouth runs a mile a minute."

Draco studied her. "Maybe this is something he doesn't want anyone to know. Not everyone is an open book, Granger."

"I didn't say that, _Malfoy_."

She stood up to wash her hands and rinse out her mouth but Draco didn't move, forcing her to sidle up next to him. She could feel the heat of him along her right side and she refused to look in the mirror where she knew she would see a blush creeping into her cheeks. Once she was done, she spared him a glance in the mirror and noticed his cheeks were tinted pink.

Interesting. She hip-checked him. "Come on, before everyone thinks you've done something nefarious to me."

"You'd know if I did," Draco mused as he followed her out of the loo.

She did _not_ entertain the idea of what that might imply.

* * *

For several hours, Hermione observed and assisted as Neville, Luna and Draco took requests for spell damage repair that ranged from the mundane (a new witch had just come into her powers and changed the family dog into a wolf like the one she had just seen at the zoo) to the humorous (someone had accidentally performed a _Petrificus Totalus_ on themselves and ended up as a statue in Trafalgar Square for hours on end, finishing the day covered in pigeon poo). Hermione busied herself with getting settled and clearing away the mess that had been left on her desk.

Late in the afternoon, the office Floo roared to life and a head popped through. "In my defence, I was left unsupervised!"

"Ron?"

"Hermione? What're you doing there?"

"I work here."

"Since when? Never mind, I need help! Like actual, serious help!"

Draco grinned. "What is it this time, Weasley?"

"I'm not telling you, Malfoy. Where's Neville… or Luna?"

Hermione leaned over and whispered, "Does this happen often?"

"At least every other week," Draco said out of the side of his mouth. "They're busy," he said to Ron. "You have me and Granger. What's the problem?"

Ron hesitated, looking sideways at Hermione, then said, "It's Lavender. She's… I… I don't know how I did it. She won't stop spitting out Kit Kat bars."

While Hermione and Ron had dated briefly after the dust of the war had settled, she'd soon found that they were better as friends than romantic partners. Still, hearing Lavender's name raised her hackles a bit, and she secretly hoped the witch was in just a bit of a bind. Karma, and all that.

"What the hell happened?"

"Well, I - oh, bugger." Ron waved away a cloud of sparks in irritation and stepped out of the Floo into the office. "I was pissed out of my mind last night at my stag do, and when I came home, she started in on me because there was glitter on my… well… anyhow, I can't remember what I did or said, but now she's a vending machine and spitting out sweets left and right and I can't take a bloody machine down the aisle, the dress won't fit and-"

"She's in the machine?" Hermione frowned, trying to picture it.

"No!" Ron yelled, frustrated. "She _is_ the machine!"

Hermione burst out laughing and Draco followed suit, both of them howling so hard they cried.

Ron glared at them. "Neville would help me," he grunted.

"Help you with what?" Neville asked as he entered the office covered in a pink goo. He got rid of it with a quick _Tergeo_. "What's happened now?"

"Just… come with me. It's easier if you see it." Ron grabbed Neville's hand and pulled him through the Floo.

"Weasley is a disaster," Draco commented, wiping his eyes.

"I'm inclined to agree with you. I should know, I dated him. Briefly."

"Let's hope you upgrade in the future," Draco said with a grin.

She very definitely refused to entertain the idea of what he meant.

* * *

Clancy finally returned, looking haggard and sad. "Yvonne is so…"

"Snape said it'll take a while to get through to her. Mind is a delicate book, blah blah," Draco offered as he leaned back in his chair.

"Have some sympathy, Malfoy," Hermione said. "It could've been _you_ that was dosed."

Draco pointed a finger at her. "First of all, I wouldn't have been stupid enough to drink anything at Belby's party. Second, when we questioned Yvonne Hardgrove's friends as to whether she actually knew Belby, her friends were not at all surprised she fell victim to something like this."

"Some friends," Hermione muttered.

"At least she has friends. And talks to them. From what I hear, you haven't talked to Potter in ages. Do you know what's going on in his life? Does he know what's going on in yours?"

"None of your business," she said through gritted teeth.

An awkward silence fell. Clancy cleared his throat. "Well, then. Who's for tea?"

Hermione was about to decline when the office door flew open and Snape stalked in. "Where is everyone?"

Luna popped her head around the door to her office. "Listening to Draco and Hermione engage in tension-filled foreplay while Clancy makes tea and watches."

All three of them stared at her. She shrugged. "You know that voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? I don't have one of those. I checked."

Hermione could feel her face heat up. She was _not_ having sexual banter with… wait, sexual? She groaned internally. This job was seriously messing with her.

"While thrilling, we do have work to do," Snape intoned. "Call the others," he told Draco.

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir!" Draco said under his breath. He pulled out his flip-phone and dialled. "Charlie? Boss wants you here five minutes ago." Without waiting for a response, he hung up and rang Neville.

The screaming on the other end was so loud they could all hear it. Not Neville's, but a high-pitched squealing. "She's murdering him!" Neville cried. "She's got his-"

"Boss wants you here!" Draco yelled, hoping Neville could hear him over the commotion.

"Thank Merlin! Be there in… ahhhh!"

Draco flipped the phone shut. Hermione covered her mouth to keep from chuckling.

"Weasley again?" Snape asked as Neville stepped out of the Floo in complete disarray.

"Clancy," he panted. "You get Ron next time. I nearly lost my bits."

"You have bits to lose?" Draco asked conversationally.

Neville, robes askew and sporting a black eye, gave Draco the two-fingered salute.

Charlie walked in at that moment and crowed with laughter. "Brilliant!"

"Quiet!" Snape boomed, and they all fell silent. He shifted his cloak. "Now, I have arranged for Mr Zabini to host a _soirée_ of sorts. At this event, Mr Belby will be present. We will also be in attendance; it is our chance to observe him and his behaviour, particularly in regards to drinking and the witches in his company. Our hope is that he will assume he's in a safe environment and acts accordingly."

"Won't he recognise us?" Hermione asked. "I met him several times during Slug Club events, and surely he knows Draco."

"Did he slip you his slug, Granger?" Charlie teased, at which Snape sent a stunner his way. "Fuck! Stop that!"

"Stop breathing, then." They glared at one another until Charlie backed down and sat in a chair, glowering.

"Before Mr Weasley made an arse of himself-"

"Not hard to do," Draco offered.

Snape narrowed his eyes at him. "Cease wagging your tongue unless you want to use it to clean the loo!"

Draco made a zipping motion on his mouth.

"Miss Granger and Mr Weasley will use a Chimera Charm. The rest of you will go as yourselves." Snape paused for a moment. "The Chimera Charm is difficult to maintain for extended periods of time and a drain on your magical core, so you will have a partner with you at all times should you falter. Mr Malfoy, you will accompany Miss Granger. I will be with Mr Weasley. If you see or suspect malicious activity, especially regarding Mr Belby, report it at once. The less time we spend there, the better."

Everyone nodded and got to their feet. Just as Hermione was donning her travelling cloak, Draco took her wrist gently. "Have you used this charm before?"

She bit her lip. Chimera Charms were very difficult; projecting the image of someone else while maintaining your own visage took great concentration and effort. Like a prism, people nearby would all see someone different, depending on the angle. She had cast multiple Disillusionment Charms while on the run with Harry and Ron, but this was on another level.

"No. Is there something I should know?"

He squeezed her wrist before letting go. "Just… don't be too proud to ask for help. Snape isn't kidding when he says it drains your magic. It's like projecting a thousand faces; it takes its toll."

She searched his eyes. Could she trust him to help her if she needed it?

"I know you're powerful, Hermione. But you can trust me."

"It's your job, right?" she said halfheartedly.

He cupped her cheek. "Something like that." He stepped back and she felt bereft.

"Your sexual tension is going to turn into a shag against the bathroom door at this rate," Luna commented as she passed them on her way out of the office.

"Luna!" Hermione spluttered.

"I wouldn't be so crass as to do it in the bathroom," Draco said with a wink at Hermione, before following Luna out.

Despite her best efforts, Hermione was suddenly entertaining multiple ideas.

* * *

Clancy MacIntyre had designated himself as the sober party that night. Being a Muggle-born, he'd seen his fair share of disasters involving alcohol. Following a gut instinct, he'd rented a Muggle van that seated eight, even though they all planned on Apparating to Zabini's estate.

He parked the van far enough away that it would be undetected but close enough that he could get everyone to it quickly should there be a need. He had a feeling he'd be using it before the night was over.

* * *

This wasn't a _soirée_; this was a full-blown, mind-numbing, loud and obnoxious party.

Hermione clutched Draco's arm as the two of them came through the front door. Though skin-to-skin contact wasn't required for the Chimera Charm, she imagined what Draco's skin would feel like against hers for an extended period of time. As if sensing her thoughts, Draco covered her hand with his.

"Zabini is the only one who knows why we're here tonight," he murmured as he took her cloak and handed it to a waiting house-elf.

She nodded. "How do I look?"

He studied her intently. "I like the real you much better."

"Stop!" she hissed. "It's hard enough concentrating on this without getting flustered."

"Do I fluster you?" he asked innocently. He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed the back. "I shall endeavour to do it more."

"Arse," she grumbled and then they were in the thick of the crowd.

One, then two drinks were pressed into their hands before she spotted Belby. "Over there," she murmured.

Draco followed her gaze. "Still as sloppy as ever."

The wizard in question was surrounded by beautiful witches, but his robes were covered in food stains. They watched him eat a cream puff, say something to a pretty dark-haired witch beside him, hand her a drink, and bask in the admiration that soon followed.

"That stupid prick!" Draco snarled. "He dosing them in plain sight, not even bothering to conceal it." He took a step towards him, but Hermione held him back.

"You can't hex him, Draco, you'll blow our cover!"

"I'm not going to hex him, I'm going to kill him!"

Hermione shook him a little. "I know you want to, but you can't."

"I can't kill people who are stupid? I think it's a public service."

"Merlin, you can't go around trying to kill people," she hissed. "Remember how that turned out last time?"

He looked at her as if she had struck him and she could have bitten her tongue for saying something so cruel. "I didn't _want_ to do that!" he growled. He dropped her hand as if it burned him. "And fuck you for bringing it up!"

He stalked off, leaving her there in the middle of the crowd, and she felt her charm waver for a moment before she collected herself enough to strengthen it. She watched him weave through chattering clusters of wizards and witches, snagging a couple drinks along the way and downing them like water, until he disappeared around a corner. She contemplated following him, but someone tapped her on her shoulder.

"I know you, don't I?"

She turned to see a wizard whom she vaguely remembered from sixth year: William Monteux, Ravenclaw, nosey, thought everyone admired him for his brain (they didn't - it was just that he was killer at Exploding Snap). Had her charm ceased to work? No, it was still in place, she could feel it.

"Leslie Nightingale!' he said with a huge grin. "I knew I remembered you!"

Whatever. Hermione went with it. "You caught me," she laughed nervously.

Monteux seemed quite proud of himself. "I certainly did." He waggled his eyebrows and handed her a drink.

Hermione took the proffered cup but held it untasted, wary of what it contained. When he raised his own glass towards her with a grin, she put the cup to her lips and pretended to sip it. "Mmm, refreshing."

Monteux didn't seem satisfied with her effort. He waved his wand and muttered something she didn't catch. She was so focused on keeping her charm in place that she was caught off guard, and before she could stop herself, she'd raised the cup and taken a deep swallow. The drink was syrupy and overly sweet, sliding down her throat, burning the entire way. She coughed, and her charm flickered.

Monteux grabbed her arm and pulled her close to whisper in her ear. "I don't know why you're here, Granger, but I'll make it worth your while."

Chills ran up her spine in tandem with the warming effects of the drink. William knew who she was, the charm must have failed, and she was so exhausted…

"Monteux. Remove your hands or I'll cut them off."

Draco's voice was low and deadly… and it thrilled Hermione no end, not to mention the languid sensations flowing through her that amplified everything.

"You don't have the balls, Malfoy," Monteux taunted. "I know you're-"

"Don't talk about his balls, Billy," Hermione spat, poking Monteux in the chest. "I just happen to wear his balls on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!"

Apparently she had shouted this, because everyone had stopped and stared at her. She glared back. "What? Malfoy's balls are _huge_!"

Draco raised his brows. "Uhmm, thanks?"

Snape appeared, tugging Charlie with him, who had completely lost his Chimera Charm. Charlie was giggling uncontrollably while Snape looked like he had been sobbing, his eyes red-rimmed.

"No, you twit!" Snape snarled, shaking Charlie. "I didn't say it was _safe_, I only said it was _legal_. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly."

Charlie's giggles subsided and he gave Snape a contrite look. "I'm sorry, Sev, won't do it again."

"Sev?" Draco asked Snape. "Since when does he-"

"Wait an hour, then go and untie him," Luna was saying into her mobile phone as she came up to them, weaving just a bit. "Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?" She spared her co-workers a glance then carried on talking. "No. Plenty-o-Fish in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban." She stared at William Monteux and licked her lips. "Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public."

Monteux swallowed and backed away, slowly. "You're all nutters." He dropped Hermione's arm, turned swiftly and left.

"If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman, I am not having sex with you today!" Luna called after him.

Hermione began giggling madly, which started Charlie off again. Snape heaved out a sob.

"Wheeeeeeere's Loooooongbooottooooooommmmmmm?" Draco asked, his words sounding long and drawn out.

Luna waved her phone. "That's who I was talking to. I already cornered Belby in the women's loo. He was about to do something everyone would regret. Not just regret, but shame and _RAGRET_!" she emphasised with a snorting giggle.

Clancy finally appeared with everyone's cloaks. "Ready to go?"

They looked at him, confused. "Go where, you Loch Ness Cockster?" Luna huffed, batting her lashes. That, or she was having a seizure. Hermione was too woozy to figure it out.

Clancy grinned. "Bless my Scottish heritage. Come on, you lot. Your chariot awaits."

He rounded them all up and shepherded them out the door. He and Draco were the most sober - although, that being said, Draco was weaving wildly as they walked down the road. He was also trying to hold Hermione's hand, which she wasn't having.

"Sod off, Malfoy," she snapped. "You may have huge balls, but you left me there, you twat! And with William Monteux. _Monteux!_" she shouted. "He was more arrogant than you, and that's saying something!"

"Excuse me if I didn't want to be constantly reminded of when I was told to assassinate our Headmaster!" He shouted back, then wrinkled his nose in puzzlement. "And how do you know if I have huge balls? Have we slept together and I don't remember it? I think I'd remember it. I bet you were swotty, weren't you?" He leered at her, grinning. "Telling me what to do, being as bossy as you could."

"Oh, god, I'm going to be sick!" Hermione ran to the side of the road and threw up in the bushes.

"That's a ringing endorsement," Clancy snickered.

"Not another word, Dicksmash MacIroncock." Draco stumbled over to where Hermione was spitting and wiping her mouth. "You okay?"

"No," she muttered. "I hate this job, I hate this place, and I hate you!" She stomped off towards the van, which was now in sight at the top of the hill. When the heel of her left shoe got stuck in the ground, she kicked them both off and increased her pace.

"You owe me ten Galleons," Charlie told Snape. "I knew she'd crack before the end of the first day."

"I am not cracked, Charlie Weasley!" she shouted over her shoulder. "Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in my kitchen told me I'm fine." She started to giggle again.

It took at least twenty minutes for Clancy to get all of them buckled into their seats. Draco wanted to sit next to Hermione. Hermione wanted to sit in the boot, but Snape was already there. Charlie and Luna snagged the middle seats, with Hermione wedged in between them, and Draco was finally persuaded into the front passenger seat. Clancy buckled himself in and turned the key in the ignition.

"Zoom zoom," Charlie whisper-shouted. "Zoom zoom zoom!"

Clancy chuckled. "Where to first?"

"Uranus," Hermione suggested then snorted as the whole car erupted into laughter.

"Malfoy's house it is, then," Clancy said and put the van in gear.

Hermione's head lolled from Luna's shoulder to Charlie's. "Charlie?" She licked her lips, her mouth unbearably dry. "If a redhead goes crazy, is it called Ginger Snaps?"

Charlie showed his teeth in mock ferocity and made as if to bite her. She laughed as he started to gnaw on her neck.

"Oi! Knock it off!" Draco said, trying to turn around in the front seat and swiping ineffectually at Charlie. "She can't consent, you knobhead! She's been dosed."

Hermione leaned forward and smiled at Draco. "Would you rather chew on my neck, Malfoy? Tasty, tasty Mudblood!"

"Enough!" Draco roared, startling everyone. He gently pushed Hermione back into her seat. "You don't know what you're saying, Granger. Just… be quiet."

Just at that moment, Clancy came to an abrupt stop, sending his passengers forward a bit. Everyone looked out of the windows at the massive thing illuminated by the headlights.

"Oh, pumpernickel… is that a stray dog? Pull… over! I wanna pet it!" Luna slurred. "I want… to pet it, get me… out of this can!"

"Not in a can," Hermione said loudly. "In a," she hiccoughed, "car. Car!"

Draco peered out the windscreen at the creature blocking their path. "That's not a stray dog." He pressed his nose against the glass. "It's a wolf or something."

"Lupin ruined my life!" Snape wailed from the boot of the van.

"Shut up, Snape!" everyone said in unison.

"I never did find that… dog from earlier. Sandra was so upset," Luna said, nearly weeping. "I promised I'd find him. Is that him?" She unbuckled her seat-belt and opened the van door. "Here Cujo, here boy."

"Cujo?" Hermione and Clancy looked at each other, then shouted in unison, "Luna! Get back in the van!"

Hermione watched anxiously as Luna approached the slobbering dog and began to pet it gently. The dog came up to Luna's shoulder and could have eaten her in one bite, but Cujo let her continue for a few minutes before lying down and rolling over to show Luna his belly, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Luna gave the group a thumbs up and pulled out her wand, waved it over the dog, and Cujo shrunk back into his original shape: a tiny chihuahua.

Luna scooped him up and carried him back to the van. "He told me about the adventures he had as a wolf." She yawned widely, climbed into her seat, and cuddled up with Cujo. "Tired now. Also drunk. But mostly tired."

Charlie was already passed out and starting to snore. Snape was mumbling about stupid men and their reckless ways, interspersed with shuddering sobs. Hermione felt her eyelids droop.

"Granger? Hermione?"

Draco's voice sounded so far away. "Mmm, wha?"

"Where do you live? Need to take you home."

"Somewhere... over the rainbow…" she sing-songed.

"Let's hope she doesn't hex me in the morning," Draco muttered.

Hermione promptly fell asleep.

* * *

There was an incessant chirping noise.

And light. Like the light of a thousand suns.

And pain. So much pain. It hurt to breathe. But the sheets? The sheets were like silk. When did she get sheets like this? Hermione pried one eye open and looked around.

Not. Her. House.

She sat bolt upright, which was a terrible mistake. Her headache was truly incredible.

"Are you all right?"

Hermione's stomach roiled as she cautiously turned around. Draco Malfoy was sitting next to her on the bed. "I'll answer your question," she said carefully, "but first, I'm going to go throw up."

She threw aside the covers and stumbled out of bed. Draco pointed in the direction she wanted to go, and the door was barely closed before she made it to the toilet in time. She had just flushed and was leaning on the side of the tub, limp and exhausted, when Draco knocked. She had a weird sense of _déjà vu_ because, oh yes, they'd done this yesterday.

He opened the door, gave her a once-over, then handed her a glass of water. She rinsed out her mouth, then gulped the remaining liquid. It was like nectar of the gods. "Thank you," she croaked.

"Welcome," he said, warily. "Want a hand up?"

"Just… tell me. Did we do anything last night?"

He was clearly taken aback. "Going to add rape to my list of sins, Granger?" he inquired shortly.

"No, I don't remember-"

"I let you sleep here because you passed out before you could tell Clancy where you lived," Draco said, his voice tight with anger. "I watched over you so you didn't choke, or stop breathing, or otherwise die. Pardon the fuck out of me." He turned and headed off down the passage.

"Draco!" God, it hurt to speak louder than a whisper. "Please?"

He halted halfway down the hall. "What?"

"I don't remember anything past drinking… something disgusting and sweet. What happened?"

He watched her for a moment, then sighed before making his way back to the bathroom and pulling her up to stand unsteadily on her feet. "Come on, you need to eat. Let that shite work itself out of your system."

* * *

Over a breakfast of Belgian waffles, bacon and other offerings (Draco ate these; Hermione watched while nibbling on toast, trying not to dry heave from all the rich smells), Draco told Hermione what he and the others had pieced together about the previous night. How, when Lovegood had gone to the loo (too many fruity drinks, she'd said), she had found Belby trying to shag a barely-conscious witch who had been dosed with his potion. Luckily, he'd had a few himself and was having a little trouble with his, er, "wand" (as Luna put it), so wasn't able to do much of anything. She'd incapacitated him and called Neville to come get him.

That Charlie had been dosed by accident-a wizard was keen on him, had given him a drink without knowing the potion was in it and tried to kiss him. Snape was not having it, performed a _Confundus_ on the other wizard, and dragged Charlie to the nearest alcove and snogged the hell out of him. Apparently, Snape and Charlie had been having an on again off again relationship for years, and it was in its 'on' phase. During their impromptu snog, enough of the potion had transferred to Snape and he'd become an emotional wreck.

That Clancy, showing forethought, had driven them home, even finding the missing dog from Luna's earlier case in the process. That, since they didn't know where Hermione lived, Draco (who'd had three drinks too many) had brought her to his place to make sure she didn't suffer any ill effects from whatever Monteux had given her. Finally, that Clancy had returned to the party and arrested Monteux as well (Neville had already arrested Belby and had his hands full), since he seemed to be, if not in league with Belby, then at least using his same felonious methods.

"Thank you," Hermione said quietly, after finishing off her tea. "I've treated you like an arse and I deeply regret it."

Draco shrugged, not looking at her. "I'm used to it."

She reached out and took his hand. "You shouldn't have to be 'used to it', Draco. You've grown and matured. You're a powerful wizard in your own right. Anyone would be proud to know you, to call you friend."

He squeezed her fingers. "And what about you?" His smile grew. "You were singing the praises of my _huge_ balls last night."

Hermione buried her face in her free hand. "Can we forget that ever happened? It's not like I have first-hand knowledge."

He pulled her hand to his lips. "What if I want you to have first-hand, intimate knowledge?" He whispered, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

Her breath caught in her throat. "Well, that would require in-depth research," she acknowledged unsteadily. When he kissed her fingertips, she rasped, "Very in-depth."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

* * *

"If you speak a decibel above a rat fart, I shall eviscerate you."

Draco and Hermione glanced up from their work at Snape's words, noticing how he had tensed the moment Charlie entered the office. Everyone was on edge and hungover, except for Neville and Clancy, who wisely kept as quiet as possible. None of the usual hangover remedies had worked, so they were all suffering through it together. Or so she thought.

"Good morning to you too, sunshine!" Charlie sang out

A universal groan greeted this. Even Luna shot Charlie a death glare.

"I despise you," Snape growled.

Charlie mock pouted. "Someone's in a black mood."

"My favourite colour is black, you imbecile. Black, dark black, pitch black, pastel black, light black, neon black, faded black. Understood?"

Charlie's mobile chose that moment to start ringing.

_Uh huh, this my shit_

_All the girls stomp your feet like this_

_A few times I've been around that track_

_So it's not just gonna happen like that_

_'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl_

_I ain't no hollaback girl_

"What did I do to deserve this?" Snape moaned. He got up and went to shut himself in his private office.

Charlie smiled unrepentantly and answered the call. "Allo!" He listened for a moment. "You did a spell where? Ron, Ron… _Ron_! Calm down and tell me slowly what happened."

"I bet he swished when he was supposed to flick," Hermione mused.

Draco snorted. "Let his brother take the case this time. I'm tired of dealing with his freckled arse."

"How do you know Ron's arse is freckled?" Hermione teased. "Do you have _intimate knowledge_ of it?"

Draco blanched. "Thank you, I can't unsee that." He shuddered and tugged her close. "Promise to make it up to me?"

She gave a show of thinking it over. "I _might_ let you see the freckles on _my_ arse."

It looked as if Draco had short-circuited. He pulled her into a fierce kiss, uncaring of their audience. Hermione was about to deepen it when Luna whistled.

"My innocent eyes can only handle so much," she said with a grin. She then winced and rubbed her temple. "Ouch."

"Lovegood, you haven't been innocent since the time you told me you spread honey all over yourself and told Longbottom to eat you like a badger," Draco pointed out.

Neville turned scarlet. Luna had a dreamy smile. Clancy had turned his back and was conspicuously doing some filing.

Charlie looked up from his call to stare at Luna. "Tell me your secrets, witch!"

She gave him a conspiratorial wink. "Later."

Ron's voice began yelling on the other end of the line again and Charlie returned his attention to his problematic sibling.

Draco whispered in Hermione's ear. "So, still hate the job?"

Hermione tried not to smile, but knew she was failing miserably. "No. It's just crazy enough to keep me on my toes."

"Still hate me?" he asked nonchalantly, though Hermione could hear the vulnerability in his voice.

"No. Same reason applies." She kissed him. "Though if you think I'm going to slather myself in honey, you've got another think coming."

"Damn."

"I was thinking more along the lines of chocolate."

Draco was momentarily caught off guard, then he grinned. "I'm going to buy all that Honeyduke's has to offer."

Hermione was about to respond when she heard an unholy scream come through Charlie's phone. Ron was impossible on the best of days.

She grabbed the phone away from Charlie and asked, "Have you tried _Wingardium Leviosa_?"

There was a pause, the sound of a charm being executed and multiple sighs of relief. "Erm, thanks. Bye."

The call disconnected, and Hermione, who now entertained thousands of ideas about Draco, began to execute a few of them.

* * *

Tygermine wanted:

Friends to lovers, mystery, snark, humour, office AU

Their prompts:

2\. "That's not a stray dog. Its a wolf, or something."

3\. "What do you mean I can't just kill people who are stupid? I think it's a public service."


End file.
